Instead, ask questions to truly learn about someone and pay close attention to their answers. Conversations get more enjoyable when you ask open-ended questions.
They take more energy to answer. Use them occasionally when you want more elaborate answers. More in this article to find out how to keep a conversation going. Be genuinely willing to listen and learn. Let your curiosity guide you. If they say they went skiing on the weekend, you could ask, where do they ski?
Have they ever taken a skiing trip outside the state or country? Add whether you ski or not. Perhaps you do other winter sports that you could mention?
Now ask them for the emotional layer. What do they like the most about skiing? Do they ever find it scary? Why did they pick that specific resort? So ask them! Believe me, they will remember that you cared to ask.
What do you think I should go for Blundstones or Doc Martens? And, you now know them on a deeper level than most work acquaintances. Part of building rapport with someone means finding out where you have similar opinions. It could be with any of the following:. To make the conversation interesting and memorable for you both, you could try adding a bit of emotion and quirk to your common interest questions. Say you both love cars and new innovation. Some opinions are less divisive than others.
When meet new people, avoid bringing up politics, religion, and sex. If you jump in and disagree, it could damage your opinion of one another. You can share your opinion on most other topics. Favorite foods, favorite hobbies, your opinion of the decor, music, great places to eat.
My girlfriend and the woman will exchange a few sentences and establish rapport. If the woman asks about us, I speak romantically about our relationship. Either way, I then introduce my girlfriend to the woman.
They shake hands and then I introduce myself and shake the woman's hand. But then I turn her hand palm up and study the lines on her palm. She asks if I read palms. I say that I do and ask if she would like to know what hers says about her. Then I read her palm with convincing authority and run a number of patterns which make her feel good about herself, which link pleasure to me, and which establishes a bond and increased rapport.
They always laugh. As she is laughing, I say Do you like women They always give me an honest answer. If they Bring the conversation around to double faced cards during a session by remarking on the difficulty of obtaining particular combinations especially in poker sized cards.
Say you have solved the problem by making your own as you remove a card from your right coat pocket holding it as in Fig. Daddy's girls also tend to be talkative.
I love talkative women. They have an opinion and they can sustain a conversation. This is in contrast to another woman who needs to be constantly entertained. When I am getting to know a woman, I always steer the conversation to find out what her relationship with her father was like.
Her response will heavily weigh in my decision. Also, I will at some point pay her a compliment. If she replies with a genuine Thank you then that's a good sign. If she responds by denying it or belittling it, that's a bad sign. I will also get conversation to where I ask her about her past relationships, what was good about them and what was bad about them. This gives me a very good idea about her sense of deservedness.
So how do you test for all these things in a conversation When I meet a woman, the first thing I test for is a good self esteem. Somewhere in the conversation, I will pay her a compliment and see how she responds.
If she belittles the compliment About 75 of the world's population quivers at the prospect of striking up conversations with a stranger.
The reason Shyness. This chapter concentrates on teaching the essentials of striking up a conversation with perfect strangers, then making a friend out of them.
It provides formulas necessary to minimize, then eliminate entirely, shyness. Then I said On the count of three, you will keep your eyes closed, and you will remain in trance, and we will have conversation.
She said Hi. I said How do you feeeel She slowly said Really relaxed. I said Is your body very relaxed She said My body feels like it's tingling. I said Is your mind very relaxed Debbie She whispered Yes.
I said Do you enjoy the feeling of deep trance Debbie She whispered Yes. A few days later, my girlfriend and I were talking on the phone planning our date for the following Saturday night. She mentioned that she wanted to be hypnotized again. Later in the conversation, she also mentioned that she wanted to do anal again some time. In actuality, the above is not exactly completely accurate. It is possible to hypnotize somebody even though they do not know it, if there is rapport and she does not suspect.
I have done it, using ' conversational hypnosis ,' with women I have met in the coffee shops, and over the phone with women I have met on the net. Once you have her under hypnosis, you can bend many of the other rules, because you are in absolute control of her reality. But we'll stick to consensual hypnosis Here is how a typical conversation could go between you and your girlfriend prior to consensual hypnosis.
The example I use here is a conversation I had over the phone with a woman I met on the net. Her I've never been able to be hypnotized before, I don't know if I can. Here's the point insofar as being cursed with an unreasonable fear of rejection is concerned. Fundamental emotional needs like the desire for affection can also become shamed by an ill-intentioned or clueless parent.
When this happens, it becomes impossible to experience this particular urge without simultaneously feeling deeply ashamed of it It took me years of study and introspection to understand that this is what had happened to me, and to see this psychological anomaly as being the source of my rejection sensitivity problem.
I was so hypersensitive to rejection that I became paralyzed to act when an opportunity to meet and flirt with a girl presented itself.
I would simply withdraw and clam up. No one could see that I was consumed by silent shame at the merest thought of what I would like to do in that situation i. How do you distinguish the difference between a simple fear of rejection and the more complicated dynamic of shamed You can also try whatever combinations of such techniques you choose.
But in any case wait at least five minutes until the conversation has drifted quite a way away from that particular association and then try the experiment of tapping your pen repeatedly. Very occasionally you will find someone who. What to do after the two of you have exchanged mild signs of interest from across the room The next step is to have a one-word conversation. Acknowledge her every time you have the chance.
Say Hi, nod and smile on your way to, or from the men's room, bar, kitchen or pool. You're just being friendly. These Hi's are first conversations. You won't be a stranger when you start the second conversation. When she did, all I said was, Hi.
I'm Mike's volleyball friend, Don, and offered my hand which she shook enjoyably then smiled but only said, Hi, Margie, and stood there. I recovered quickly and added, You work at Mike's office She didn't, so we exchanged the obligatory information about what we did and where we worked then moved into an enjoyable exchange of office politics stories and complaints.
During it all, we held another conversation without words. Jean, at a wedding reception, after good eye contact on and off for half an hour, I noticed that now and then she was eavesdropping on This interview will be spread into 5 parts throughout the course of the week. It should be noted that this is a transcribed text of my conversation, and has been edited by me to make it read better. She completely turns white, like Casper the Ghost. Oh, but he doesn't stop there.
He grabs his. I don't even want to say it. At this point she goes to turn away from him, and he gets her leg and says And we should have an intelligent conversation as he's thrusting her back and forth, humping her like a horny Chiwawa. And she proceeds to slap him and get the two very large men she's with to beat him up.
A judge who turns his back, frowns and purses his lips when a defendant is testifying -- then faces the prosecutor openly, lifts his eyebrows and uses his hands to help conversation -may appear to favor the prosecutor over the accused, said Givens.
He used an evangelistic, sermonizing voice to reinforce dominance over those in court. Conversational speaking gestures were absent, said Givens in an article written for the Judge's Journal quarterly. Givens showed the judge the videotape, and discussed the judge's on-the-bench behavior. The judge began adding speaking gestures, nodded his head at appropriate points while listening, used conversational speech instead of sermon language and relaxed his body.
The decision as to how to proceed depends on an ability to read the client's responses to what is being said, exploiting the social conventions that exist for managing a dyadic communication. The listener reacts to this cue by producing behaviours which indicate essentially whether they are happy for the speaker to continue, whether they wish the speaker to change the topic of conversation, or whether they wish to take a. There are some incredibly hot models before a placard mounted on a wall getting their pictures taken by a group of photographers.
Beautiful women in high fashion dresses, Movie Studio Executives, publishers, television execs, journalists, actors, agents, managers, publicists, and party girls round out the scene. It's a fairly intimidating atmosphere, but I'm gradually getting used to it. My first set is actually two guys.
I approach them and start talking about all the hot chicks around here a good way to let guys know you aren't gay, and also a universal tactic to connect with any heterosexual man. Swinggcat comes up and bums a cigarette from one of the guys who's an out of work actor, go figure and starts giving them advice on women. These two moes are pretty amazed by some of what he's telling them, but they eat it up none the less. I get bored with the conversation and go off, approaching a few other guys and striking up conversations.
In , in one of our fairly frequent Sunday morning phone conversations, I described my sequence to Ed, albeit without full details.
My assumption, though I am not certain, is that Ed combined my procedure with his technique and the result was For the Unambitious, which, as noted, was dated June , roughly two years after I'd shown it to Beale and Cooper and a year after I'd shown it to Garcia.
This was also roughly a year before Eddie's dating. I don't think Eddie was trying to steal anything from me. I think Ed saw the method of loading a card above the target card as the defining element of the technique. As Ed himself stated, in a conversation with me in the late eighties, my technique is easier, more reliable and more broadly applicable it just wasn't what he was trying to accomplish. That probably explains why he never discovered it. The procedure is not the defining element and, therefore, didn't need to be separately credited.
One of the authors TS has explored this principle by discussing cultural and regional personalities. For example, in conversations about predictions based on palms or stars, he has brazenly stated that he feels much can be determined by the place and year of birth, often even when the person moved from that area as an infant.
He then proceeded with the stock reading presented in the astrology section of this book. He has yet to have anyone criticize the limits or accuracy of the Regional Personality, and, in fact, most are astonished by its accuracy. In cases where two or three people are being done at the same time, the reading has been either reversed or an alternate done. Results support the robust nature of the individuating information hypothesis. When l talk about meeting women I am talking about doing cold approaches.
This means approaching women who you have never met before and have not been introduced to you through a mutual friend. There are really two parts to cold approaches initiating and conversational opening. Initiating is not opening up a conversation with a woman but getting her attention. Conversational opening means opening up a conversation with a woman or group of women.
I have found that one of the easiest ways to open up conversations with women is to get their opinion on something now l told you that it is usually bad to ask questions within the first few minutes of meeting a woman. And l still maintain this. But this is the one exception. I say this because this is a fantastic method of opening and initiating conversations with women.
By the way, conversational openers can also be used as initiators. To really make conversational openers work you need to convey, at first, that all you want is her The night after returning from the seminar, I called my girlfriend. I told her about some of the things I had learned.
Conversation got onto the subject of Tantra and multi- orgasms. She said I wonder what it would be like to have one orgasm right after the other, on and on, almost as if it where one eternal multi-orgasm, but it takes me a few minutes before I can come again. She also mentioned that she missed me and she was feeling very sexual. Because it would be over the phone, I would know for certain that only audio anchors would be involved. So I said Baby, tonight I am going to hypnotize you, and something wonderful is going to happen.
She said OK I should not be surprised that it worked, but I certainly was amazed. Then I told her to relax. After she caught her breath, I put her back down into deep trance. I wanted to ask her about it, but I wanted to keep her in trance, so I said When I count to 3, you After dinner I suggested that we have a seat at the bar for a while where we could better hear the piano player.
We sat closely together and enjoyed conversation. Then I said to her Baby, I cannot keep my eyes off of your beautiful full lips. You do know how much I adore kissing you She leaned in and kissed me. Then she looked at me with a very mischievous smile. It appeared to be working. She said Would you like to go now Yep, it was working.
Respect Some years ago, Paul did a fantastic illusion at Silverstone racing track. A Canadian magician walked into a TV producer's office and suggested that he perform the same illusion. In conversation, he happened to say that it had already been performed on the Paul Daniels magic show.
The producer said, so it's not your idea When the magician acknowledged this, the producer said, in that case, we'll get Paul to do it The trick ended up being performed live on TV as part of the Canadian Grand Prix presentation.
We have already seen that cold reading techniques can help to establish rapport. In any conversation, if the other person feels that you understand them, and that there is plenty of room for agreement, they gain a sense of convergence and bonding. In other words, good rapport. If the other person feels that you do not understand them, and every conversational thread seems to fragment into disagreement, they gain no sense of convergence Consider the Rainbow Ruse , as applied to Fred's conversation with Ginger.
Suppose that Ginger has been chatting about some of her work-related trials and tribulations. At a natural point in the conversation, Fred might offer this kind of feedback Fred might also use a touch of Fine Flattery. The specifics will obviously depend on the flow of conversation.
Suppose that Ginger has been talking about some of the pros and cons of her job, and the way some people are rather less reliable than they should be.
Fred might say something like These are just I talk with Peter a lot about acting. During a recent conversation, that rolled on late into the night over bad whisky his, not mine and tea, I was intrigued to hear my friend say that when he walks out on stage, he does not know what any of his lines are.
After so rigorously committing them to memory before and during the rehearsal process, he must then allow himself to forget them. Forget, that is, at a conscious level. He never misses a line. But when he walks out on stage, he does not know what he's going to say until the words caine out of his mouth. Everything is being said for the first time. Returning to our earlier theme of recreation and repetition, Peter's performances are being recreated each time he begins, and never repeated.
Figure The man on the left is using superiority gestures and appears to have an arrogant attitude towards the man sitting opposite. He is using the eye block signal as his brain attempts to block the other man from sight and his head is tilted back to 'look down his nose' at him.
Defensiveness is also evident as his knees are held tightly together and he is holding his wine glass with both hands to form a barrier. The man in the middle has been excluded from the conversation as the other two men have not formed a triangle to include him. He does, however, seem quite aloof as shown by his thumbsin-waistcoat gesture superiority , he is leaning back on his chair and is using a crotch display. His head is in the neutral position. The man on the right has heard Figure The man on the left is using superiority gestures and appears to have an arrogant attitude towards the man sitting opposite.
He is using the eye block signal as his brain attempts to block the other man from sight and As a man, the early conversations are only to show her you're safe and interesting. Your goal in later conversations is to let her see you're an attractive, discreet man, someone it would he fun to date. As you interact, emotional vibes and signals are exchanged. The longer you talk the better, up to a point. Five minutes into the first, and even the second conversation, it's time to move on, for a while.
To attract her you must show interest but not too much interest. Demonstrate exactly that by walking away. Later, during another conversation, the two of you can continue the courtship, if you have The Right Attitude. That's coming up shortly. Showing a bit of imagination and whimsy in your light-hearted approach is a good way to score points too. Again, there's nothing specific I can tell you to do here, you just have to learn how to react to the situation you find yourself in with a touch of resourcefulness.
Think assume the dominant male attitude you wish to convey before you speak. Also, try not to use the opportunity of meeting a woman as a launching pad for one of your dissertations on how the government is secretly test-flying captured UFO's in Nevada -- at least not until around the third date when she knows you're just kidding around.
You are, aren't you In other words, stick to normal conversational topics, ok Stay away from any kind of weary drone, impatient staccato or a judgmental scolding tone. These types of articulations belong to guys who are all bone-stroking assholes. Think conspiratorial instead lean in close to her like you're revealing a secret, like your exchange is private and for her ears only, and Establishing Initial contact Opening and Small talk. Practically speaking, if you are around a beautiful woman and you don't open the conversation in a few seconds, it will be much more difficult to do it later.
Women know that unsure guys sit or stand around them and do not have the courage to approach them. Only by approaching her fast will you put yourself above all the other guys she knows. In the above example Hi is the opener and the phase where I start to talk about holidays with her is the small talk.
In that phase we start a banal conversation about whatever theme. In this case we converse about Cape Town. It could be any other theme. The original top card should now be the fourth from the top of the pack. If that is the case and you have made the shuffles smoothly, you have made excellent progress toward acquiring this most useful of all card sleights. Practise until you can make the shuffles without looking at your hands, and at the same time keep up an easy flow of conversation.
She picked me up and we went to a local fast food restaurant. All throughout dinner, the conversation was strained as she tried her best to pry me from my shy shell. Every time I began to come out of the shell, I automatically retreated back into the shell simply because of my dreadful shy habit.
She did her absolute best to talk with me and have a good time. Still, I could tell she saw my shyness as an obstacle to getting to know one another. My saving grace for the date was that I would smile a lot and reciprocate all questions she asked me. The conversation went better as long as she did the talking. After finishing dinner, she drove us up to a mountainous lookout point with a beautiful view of the city.
She asked me for suggestions on what I wanted to do but I was too shy to suggest anything for fear of rejection. It was a clear night with the stars illuminating the sky. I didn't really understand what this gesture meant. Later, I learned from other high school friends that the In humans, one such gesture is a palm-up placement of the hand, whether on a table or a knee, a reassuring sign of harmlessness.
Another submissive display is the shoulder shrug, which, ethologists suggest, derives from an ancient vertebrate reflex, a posture signifying helplessness. A posture combining the partly shrugged shoulder and a tilted head-which displays the vulnerability of the neck-is commonly seen when two people who are sexually drawn to each other are having their first conversation, Dr.
Givens said. Once the conversation begins, there is a major escalation point, said Dr. When interviewing prospective employees, we noted that most interviewees locked their ankles at some point during the interview, indicating that they were holding back an emotion or attitude. In the initial stages of our research with this gesture, we found that asking questions about the interviewee's feelings was often unsuccessful in unlocking his ankles and thus his mind.
We soon discovered, however, that if the interviewer walked around to the interviewee's side of the desk and sat beside him, removing the desk barrier, the interviewee's ankles would often unlock and the conversation took on an open, more personal atmosphere.
In a typical feminine way if I had gone to the table where she was with her girlfriend - instead of taking control of the situation - she would have tried to have me involved in some kind of small talk. The purpose would have been to block me even more in my attempts at seduction in spite of the fact she was dying of the desire to have a real man. Suppose the salesman wants to strike up a conversation about the prospect's industry, despite knowing very little about it.
He could start like this I can imagine more than a few business lunches where a Barnum Statement of this kind would at least light the conversational fire, and might give the prospect the distinct impression he's dealing with someone distinctly well-informed. In casual conversation, either of the above could pass for the output of an informed mind. Do bear in mind that with all of these techniques, being wrong is not a problem.
We have seen how psychics play the Win-Win Game, so they can be right even when they are wrong. Are there any places they visit, trips they take, people they see, or other activities they do?
Not everyone you speak with will be a world traveler, but asking if they've traveled anywhere interesting lately can open up a world of possibilities. From weekend trips an hour away, to big summer vacations, or bucket list journeys -- this question can get even the most reserved prospects gushing about cherished memories or exciting upcoming adventures. Make sure you have some follow-up questions around what they plan to do on their trip.
What foods they're most excited to try. And what souvenirs they're planning to bring home. Before a call with a prospect, he Googles their town. Often, the people he's speaking with live in towns Dan's never visited, but with a two-minute search, he knows about their hottest new restaurant, what the weather is like currently, and which landmarks the locals love.
He uses this knowledge to wow his prospects with questions like, " Have you made it to [Insert hot new local play here] yet? I hear it's going to be in the 90's this week. The talking points above are great umbrella topics for small talk, but you might be looking for specific questions. The number one technique to use? Once the other person has finished their answer, ask a follow-up question. When you first kick off the conversation, you know virtually nothing about this person.
Your physical environment is always a safe bet. Where did you get them? Which brand is it? Small talk is a skill just like any other. To reduce your nervousness, practice your small talk in a low-stakes environment.
Go to a casual networking event for a different industry, attend a meetup, or ask your friends to bring you along to their work events. Would you be on edge if you were making small talk with someone you knew really well? Probably not.
If you need a quick trick to mitigate your anxiety, pretend the other person is a good friend. As an added benefit, this mental shift will make you seem warmer and friendlier. Having an objective can make small talk feel more meaningful. For example, maybe you commit to meeting four people at an event, or exchanging contact information with two other professionals in your field. This also allows you to objectively measure your success. It might seem silly to write an extended post about small talk -- and then delve into tactics for avoiding it.
But let's be clear. This isn't a guide to steering clear of conversations at networking events, office parties, conferences, or social gatherings. If you want to do that, I have a simple suggestion: Stay home!
Of course, that's usually not a feasible strategy if you want to forge new connections and since forging new connections tends to go hand-in-hand with career growth, I highly recommend doing it occasionally. If you want to do that , here are a few suggestions. By the way, avoiding small talk is one of my continual goals in life.
First, be curious. The person or people you're talking to are interesting.
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